Real Issues , Godly Counsel
"I am presently engaged to a sister, my parents are against it, saying they don’t like her tribe, what should I do?"
Issues Of The HeartBy Pastor Julie Akhimien
I am presently engaged to a sister, my parents are against it, saying they don’t like her tribe, what should I do?
First, you should pray. Whatever is born of God, overcomes. If you are confident that God started the relationship, then you must be confident also that “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it”. I know He’d give you victory. (Phil. 1:6, I John 5:4)
Will God give me someone whose behavior I don’t like?
“Every good and perfect gift comes from God…” (James 1:17). God’s gifts are not sorrowful rather, they bring blessings. So, God cannot give you a gift that will bring sorrow to you. However, you must careful to know that your will is subject to God’s will, listen to His voice rather than your feelings. He knows best, and wants the very best for you.
After two months of engagement, I found out that we were both “AS”. We love each other so much, what should we do?
Thank God your engagement is only two months old. You should prayerfully disengage. This is because your union will medically produce children with sickle cell anaemia. The children will never forgive you for bringing them into this world to suffer all in the name of your so called love for one another. If you consider the inexpressible pains you’d take them through you’d consider not taking the risk at all. “Thou shall not tempt the Lord thy God”. The time of ignorance, God has over looked, now that you know, don’t open your eyes and enter into FIRE.
It was so thrilling when we started out on our relationship, it’s six months today, I feel so indifferent, I feel like calling it quits, advise me.
Quitters don’t win and winners don’t quit. Love does not come as a result of feelings; rather feelings come as a result of love. Feelings are very unreliable and that is why you must never base your relationship on feelings, let it be by God’s impressive Spirit who knows the intent and the purpose of the heart. Since your action is geared towards fulfilling the way you feel, I’d advice you to pray and be sure what God wants you to do. Who knows, the enemy might just be out to steal the precious gift God has so graciously given to you, better don’t allow him.
J and I are in a relationship but he is dangerously close to another sister. I feel threatened! Help.
Make the sister your friend. Don’t see her as a threat to your relationship especially if you are fully persuaded that it is God that brought the two of you together. Perfect love casts out all fear.
I am strongly persuaded that brother R is my future partner. He doesn’t seem to be interested in me, we don’t even flow together nor cross paths, what do I do? Sincerely, I have secretly fallen so much in love with him.
You need to go to God in prayer. First, we have to be very sure are actually led of God. Once you are sure it is God then you can trust Him to also speak to the brother. You need not take yourself through unnecessary rigour or emotional turmoil; it’s not worth the trouble. When God speaks, He does not leave Himself without a witness. Trust Him and He will bring it to pass.
Help! Seven different brothers at different times have come proposing, each having his own full persuasion. I am visibly confused.
Don’t be confused. Be sure to know the voice of your Father, and then you can tell who amongst the brothers. One thing is sure; God has only one husband for you.
By reason of my person, I have found myself close to many sisters. Now, I sincerely need a partner, how do I go about it? Some sisters already think I should propose to them.
I must say, you are in deep waters, but you need not fear. God sees your heart and He is sure to bail you out. Take time off, seek God’s face in prayers and set your mind to pleasing God rather than man, the do what He says you should do. God can never lead you astray.
We are in a relationship, we know it is of God, but my partner always seems to want her way, h-e-l-p!
Discuss the issue prayerfully and let her know your grievances. God knows how best to deal with her, so commit her also to God. Also as the man, you need to know that God has given you the mandate to oversee the home and that you need her co-operation.
I have been dating a guy for about five years. He had made me inform my parents and my pastor about our marriage plans. Suddenly he opted out of the relationship due to what he called mounting pressures and that he did not want to keep me trapped for too long, even though I never complained about the reasons. I am beginning to conclude that brothers have feelings. How can I trust again?
Five years is a long time to have kept you waiting I must confess. First, please do me a favour by not getting so bitter about this issue to the extent of not being able to realize that God has simply delivered you out of bondage. This is a painful experience I must say but learn to forget. Time heals all wounds; Jesus and the Holy Spirit do it best. Trust Him to heal your wounds. Give yourself a break, and then you can start again. Life is full of ups and downs; the ups are not the ultimate and the downs are not the end of the road, but the Lord is sure to see you through it all. One thing is certain, because you are so dear to Him, He will never give you to someone who really does not care about you. It’s painful but permit me to say: that guy never loved you start with. If he did, no pressure would have bent him. “Many waters cannot quench love” (Songs 8:7). I will be glad to hear the good news of that right man who God has prepared for you. Watch out! He might just be around the corner. This time, nothing will make him change his mind. If he is yours, he’ll stay. God bless.
My fiancé got married to a sister in our church after we had courted for four years. He claims God asked him to break the relationship. I am hurting so badly. It is as though my world is crumbling.
Your world will not crumble my dear. The hands that hold you are big, strong and reliable. It is so natural for you to hurt. I wouldn’t have done better if I were you. But wait a minute; if God allowed it, He has a better plan for you. In the first place, you must realize that there is nothing you can do about this issue. He is married already. Whether or not it was God who told him to do it, is a different issue, only God knows that. I would have thought God should have spoken to you too. Just trust God for a husband of His choice for you. At the end of the day, you’d discover that you laughed best ‘cos you will laugh last. I pray God will help you find a place in your heart to forgive him. Please do! It will help you a lot and give you a fresh start. For goodness sake, life is too precious to be wasted, too short to be made miserable and too challenging to lose out. God has a better plan for you.
We have been dating for two years. I took an inventory of the whole affair and found that I had been the one giving all along. I do most of the calling, visiting and writing. Whenever I complain, he says he is always busy. I am getting fed up and worn out. What do I do?
You should evaluate your inventory and give a mark. Sincerely, I see a handwriting on the wall of your relationship. Two years is long enough to tell whether or not you are loved and cherished. Your situation gives me a lot of concern because the man is more prone to doing all that you said. If he is too busy to show you a little bit of concern, I wonder how much busier he would become when you dare marry him. Take my advice; find out from him if he still wants the relationship to continue. I smell a rat my dear and I think you should too. The earlier the better. Love is an active verb. If he truly loves you, he’d show it.
I feel so terrible and dirty. I never seem to be able to resist sexual temptation. Most of the brothers that have come close to me always end up getting sexually involved with me. The most betraying thing here is that deep down I want it. I find it hard to believe that God still loves me in spite of my frailties. I feel worthless most times. Advise me.
Let me start by saying God still loves you but He does hate the sin you have yielded yourself to. It is not enough to feel bad, but you must show that your sorrow is the one that brings repentance. The Bible says “godly sorrow brings about true repentance (2 Cor. 7:10)”. It might interest you to know that you are worth more than you think. The enemy is at work through your weakness, so you must be determines to retrace your steps and make up your mind to live a godly life. It is your willingness to hate the sin that will give you a way out. Knowing that this sin could cost you eternity is scary enough to flee from it. Are you willing to make use of it? God’s hands are stretched out to deliver you from the mess. Will you take hold of that hand? If you love sin, you can never be righteous. It is what you love, you attract. How I pray that you will choose life and live.
I will also advice that you help yourself by staying away from situations which bring about such sins. You should make sure you are never alone with the opposite sex in a tempting environment. Flee my dear, flee and save your life from destruction. Sin destroys. Don’t let it destroy you.
I am in a relationship with someone who is not from my place. My parents are firmly against it. I have been waiting for two years now, hoping they will change their minds. I am getting weary and my convictions are weakening. I do not know what to do.
“Rich you”. Two years is a long time to wait for their consent I must say. Let me start by encouraging you not to let your convictions give way so easily. You know if you faint in times like this, it shows that you strength is really small. Your case is not so different you know. There are a lot of guys who are in your shoes and many more who have passed this same path. Guess what? God saw then through! Well, if not being from your place is the only reason they have for not wanting you to marry the “love of your life”, you can rest your case. They certainly will give in soonest. How? I see you asking. When you pray, get the consent of the Pastor and Marriage counselors in you local church. As much as I would like for your parents to give consent, if after this they refuse, you may have to obey God rather than men. In this case, your parents, but let me warn that, you should leave no stone unturned to get them to agree and be undoubtedly sure you are in God’s perfect will for you. With God on your side you can brace the trail. Cheer up.
Daniel and I have been on for about six months. I know he is not born again, but I love him. Can love be wrong?
Love cannot be wrong, you are. If you are born again yourself, I must warn you that you are treading on dangerous grounds. God’s word is very clear on having such relationships, you know. Whatever you see in Daniel, God has in His own child and much more. If you’d trust Him and obey, He’d send you one whose heart is perfect towards Him and you’d have no reason to regret your choice. Since you know for sure that Daniel is not born again, you can tell that the Spirit controlling you is different from his. Now two cannot walk together except they agree, so flee this imminent danger, may yours not be one of the bitter stories we read about. Take my advice, leave Daniel alone. Trust God for His best for you, He won’t disappoint you.
I got engaged a year ago. During this period, I lost my job. My fiancée has been paying the bills ever since. Recently, she assumed a bossy attitude. She’s ordering me around and I don’t like it. Sometimes, I feel like calling it quits.
Well, quitters don’t win and winners don’t quit! Why not talk it over? If I were you, I’d rather stick to my relationship than quit. For one she might not even notice the change in her attitude towards you. You will naturally react to what she does now more than you have ever done before just because you are conscious of the fact that she now pays the bills. Things you regarded as jokes in the “old good days” now seem to you as jests and commands. Well it’s natural. Let her know how you feel, you’ll be surprised at your discovery. I can assure you that she still loves you else she wouldn’t have taken it upon herself to carry such responsibility, and you ought to show some sort of appreciation, to be candid. It’s not so easy having to bear such burdens and when she reacts in some kind way, it might just be that she is stressed. Remember it is a passing phase of life, it will soon be over, so go talk it over and don’t you quit. Stay blessed.
Aretha and I have been together for two years going. She’s about to go to the university and suddenly a fear has come upon me. I am afraid of losing her (She’s pretty you know). I wanted us to get married but her parents want her to finish schooling first. What do I do?
First, trust that the God who gave her to you is big and reliable enough to keep her for you. Secondly, trust her love and devotion to you. If you don’t, even if you marry her, you’d be afraid to let her step out of the house, pretty as she is. There is no fear in perfect love. You must trust that she will not betray your love for her. Give your fears to the wind and trust your spouse that is the bedrock of a sweet and loving relationship.
I got married just recently. I am supposed to be happy but I’m scared stiff… He always has his way and my views don’t seem to count. He made me leave my church, and now, he wants to direct the spending of every penny. Most of the time I feel I don’t know him. H-E-L-P!
I wish I knew how old your marriage is. Nevertheless, I’d like for you to r-e-l-a-x, it’s not the end of the world yet and I have good news for you. God is interested in your situation. You’d get to know your husband as you make up your mind to. First, remind yourself that this is the only man on earth while he lives, you can call your own. Seek audience with him and take time to talk. I am almost sure he doesn’t have the faintest idea of what harm he is doing to you. As you prayerfully seek audience with him, trust God to touch his heart to know that he doesn’t have to show his head-ship by making you leave your church, if where you now worship is a Bible believing church, there’s not much ado about it, serve God faithfully there, and He’d reward your efforts and don’t count that much harm. You have a royal diadem in your hands, your family. God is trusting you to make it a heaven on earth, let nothing deter you, prove what sort you are made of and let your husband know he can trust you with the finances of the home. We’ll be praying for you. Cheer up sister, the word works!
I have approached three ladies at different times in the past four years and all three have gotten married to other guys. I can’t seem to find love. I am skeptical about approaching another lady. What’s the way out?
The way out is to be sure where God wants you to strike. What I mean by that is you certainly have struck at the wrong time and the wrong set of ladies. One thing is certain, you can find love and God certainly has a loving wife for you. The question is have you asked Him to show you the way? If you go all by yourself, the result is frustrating. So next time you hope to make a proposal, ask the Lord to show you the way and what to say to whom. You’d be surprised at the outcome. Remove your skepticism and see God bringing your dearest dreams to pass.
I am 28 years old. All my contemporaries are getting married and I am still single. My parents have been quite encouraging but I know they are bothered. Brothers don’t appear to be interested. Please help me.
I’m glad to note that you are concerned about this issue. Guess what? God is more concerned and at the fullness of time, it shall come to pass. Well, your contemporaries are not you, leave them to their world. God has a plan for your life and He would fulfill that plan. Just some tips: Make sure you are in tune with Him, be focused on the truth that He will give you only the best and before you know it, someone’s knocking at the door. You might be surprised to know that someone has been watching you and just waiting for a right time to propose, watch out and don’t be caught unawares. I must commend your parents, I’m sure they are praying for you, it won’t be long.
I keep meeting nice sisters every now and then. I find it difficult making up my mind on what I want. When I am with Jay, it’s as though the hands of the clock should not move, when I meet Ada and I exclaim, “This is it”. My feelings betray me. I am confused I must confess.
It’s a pity you don’t know what you want because you are enjoying having “undefined” relationships with these sisters. Now, this is very unfair and dangerous. I am sure each of those ladies believe they mean so much to you in their own way and are waiting eagerly for a “will you marry me question” and here you are being confused and not knowing what to do. Get on your knees and be sure what God wants you to do, don’t end up keeping them for ages and not letting them know your intentions whereas you are depriving some other suitors from coming close, after all you can only marry one of them, please be more serious.
We have been in this relationship for six years. We do not appear to be going anywhere. We always quarrel. I am fed up and contemplating a break up.
Six years? That’s long time to be in a relationship and don’t know where you’re heading. Where was your destination if I may ask? A goal-less relationship always turns out like this. I must say, there seems to be lack of commitment between the two of you. Well, take-stock my dear and define your destination. If after that you still find yourselves quarreling and not loving each other, then something’s certainly wrong somewhere and you must make it right or else you may not be able to make the best of your future life together. I pray God help you. I usually don’t prefer break-ups in any relationship, except when all stones have been turned. What is worth doing is worth doing well. Get more committed and be well focused. Stay blessed.
I met a guy who was my counselor, then, he was engaged to a girl abroad, but things were not going smoothly. Sometime later, he came and told me he loved me. I did not agree but recently I am very preoccupied with him, in fact I think I’m in love with him. What should I do since he fell in love with me when he was engaged to the other girl.
For you to have known he was engaged to a girl abroad suggests to e that you were friends else that information wouldn’t have gotten to you. Suffice to say that you must be careful to know whether or not you truly are in love with this guy. What if he settles whatever went wrong with the other lady and they come together again? I tell you, you’d be the odd one out and being seen as an intruder. I don’t think you should settle for such. You are much too loaded to be regarded as a second fiddle. I’d advice that you give more time to prove your “love” and his and be sure you have what it takes to face whatever challenge may arise in the relationship if you eventually say “yes”. Time is a great discoverer of truth; give it an opportunity to tell you whether or not you are wrong. I wish you the best.
Two years ago, I was sure God was leading me to this sister but she is now espoused to another. I am confused and do not really know what voice to believe anymore.
Two years ago? What did you do? You did not say you were sure God was leading you to her, did you make any move? If you did not propose to her, there was no way she would have known your intentions. Don’t you think you missed out something? It would not have been too bad if she was still single, but now, I am afraid you might have lost the opportunity of having her, especially if this relationship she is into is a lovely and genuine one. However, not to worry, there is hope for a new dawn. You can begin again by trusting God to bring your way her type of person, the one you’d promise not to delay in proposing to once you’re sure it is God. Now, it is safer that way because it will be very unfair to hope that her new relationship breaks so that you could propose to her considering the fact that she never knew anything about your intent. I look forward to hearing the good news of your new found “love”. Wishing you the very best.
I have been dating Imelda for three years now. Some weeks back she told me that she has found the love of her life. I am so distraught. I get bitter anytime I see the brother that has taken her away from me. I am hurting.
I am glad you asked for help because there is no cause getting so bitter, rather, I’d advice you heave a sigh of relief. Not because it is a pleasant experience to have but because you have just escaped being tied to a woman who does not love you at all. I tell you, it can be really, really frustrating and you can’t half imagine the hurt or disappointment it would have brought to your life. Now what do you do? Relax. Trust God to bring you someone who’d love you for who you are; someone who’d see you as a gift from God to her life; someone who’d not give you away, no, not for anything in the whole world; someone you’d be glad you belong to! That my brother is the essence of a real relationship,- a loving and caring heart. As active a verb as love is, it needs to be reciprocated. When love is one sided, it loses its potency and I’m sure you don’t want to get involved in such deal. You are too full of a loving potential to be a “lover” not loved in return. God will give you your own. Watch out!
I have been putting aside the issue of marriage for sometime now with the sole purpose of acquiring some necessary things. It is four years now any my dream “acquisition” is yet to be in place. I do not want to waste my life waiting anymore, yet my dream is killing.
If you allow your dream to kill you, then you would loose the singular privilege of actualizing it. So why wait till you die? Wake up dear and stop despising the days of little beginnings. For though your beginning is small the Bible says your latter end shall greatly increase. It is more exciting seeing your dreams come true as a couple. Little wonder why the Bible also says two are better than one for they have good reward for their labour. The breakthrough you so desire now might just shoot forth as soon as you allow God bring into your life the “fertilizer” you need for that seed to grow, in this case, a helpmeet. Sincerely speaking, you may never be able to marry if you want to get “all” in place first. Therefore, I will advise you get the basic things first, and all others will follow. There are so many testimonies of those who trusted God the same way, you can be one of them, so, go ahead and let God take the glory of making you great. Remember, you cannot really make yourself! I wish you happy days ahead.
I love Pamela very much but she is not spiritually strong. She is born again but she is not well grounded in the basics of our faith. Should I go on to propose marriage with the hope that she will learn as we go along?
I consider Pamela a very good friend of yours, you sounded like it and so she probably might be getting some kind of signals already that you’d soon propose to her. Being sure that she is born-again as you, are but not “spiritually strong” as you stated. I suggest you give her sometime to be well rooted so she’d appreciate and have a better understanding of what it really takes to getting into a real relationship with you. This is because considering her state of mind, she is not likely to turn down your proposal. As a matter of fact, she might give a “yes” answer sooner than you think but you know as much as I do that unless she is convinced in her spirit about the relationship, certain storms may arise which her strength may not be able to withstand. So you could give her some more time to grow, you could even help build her up spiritually, so she’d be bolder and stronger and be more apt to recognize God’s leading for her life. By that, she will be able to affirm that God is in it and then your proposal would have a very fertile ground to grow and be strong enough to give you a lasting relationship. Then you can smile all the way, for if the Lord says it, you can count on it.
I am afraid I will not get a partner. I do not know why this fear has come upon me. I have made some mistakes in the past but I believe the Lord has restored me yet this fear remains. Please send me an urgent counsel.
P-l-e-a-s-e, let go of your past experiences and do give your fears to the wind! Who says you won’t get a partner? It is not true. If you believe the Lord has restored you, be sure enough to agree with His word that He would perfect that which concerns you. So dear, allow Him, let Him overtake you with His surprises. It will not be long.
Cult boys while in the university violated me. Ever since the thought of sex in marriage puts me off. I am inhibited even to get into a relationship because I know that someday when I get married I will face the issue. I know I ought not see it this way but I cannot seem to help remembering that awful evening.
I can best imagine how you feel and really share in your wounded emotions, but wait a minute; it’s not the end of the world yet. It happened yes, but it was not your fault. You must make deliberate attempts to put that awful evening behind you because there is a beautiful future ahead of you. Swimming in this experience does not and will not undo what has been done so why kill yourself? Why blot out the wonderful world of loving and being loved from your life? You can’t risk locking up your emotions and depriving “Mr. Right” of the wonderful privilege of taking to the altar all because of some “unholy guys” (putting mildly you’d say). Do forget about them and start a new life. Trust your life into God’s unfailing hands, let go and let God. Time heals all wounds, give it a chance to heal your hurts and with the Holy Ghost on your side, your comfort is guaranteed. All said and done, facing the issue becomes as easy as breathing. I entrust you to God’s healing hands and hope to share the testimony of your sweet relief. Stay blessed.
Most of the ladies in my family do not have successful marriages. I am the last of them and am approaching the marriageable age and am beginning to feel that the same lot will befall me. Advise me.
Your case is different and you must agree with God on that. You are of the seed of Abraham and his blessings automatically becomes yours being engrafted into the true vine. Let that feeling be buried in the blood of the lamb who paid the price for you to have a loving and successful marriage and get that deep down into your spirit man. Whenever that thought crosses your mind again, shout it out loud that your case is different, write it out, paste it on your office table, near your bed wall, everywhere! You are a peculiar treasure to the Almighty, your case is different. Just because you belong to the family of God, the winning family, you’d MAKE IT, amen.
I have been engaged for a year now. Currently I am feeling increasing pressure to indulge in “love plays” with my fiancée. The last time we got very close, it took tough discipline not to go all the way. I want to keep my testimony but it seems so hard.
Remember the cross and be resolute about keeping your testimony. It is not worth losing for any reason whatsoever. Give heaven the joy of seeing you show unwavering love and appreciation to the Master and never allow yourself to be carried away by the pleasures of sin for a season. The consequences are too many. Consider the gains of keeping yourself pure whenever you are tempted, and you would be sure to overcome. The flesh profits nothing; it is the Spirit that quickens. You have a whole lifetime to be with your spouse once you are married, so be patient please, it’s yours for keeps once and after you say you do. It is advisable also to meet in safe places because Privacy is the strength of sin as much as the wages of sin is death’. God has helped many others overcome this problem and I am positive He would help you too.
I am attracted to Jamie (our worship leader) but he does not seem to notice me. What should I do?
Dear, your feelings are not the best gauge for judging right, so let them go. For all I know you might be infatuated or lovesick, and here’s Jamie not having the faintest idea about what you are going through for his sake. Sad enough, he might even be engaged! What would you do? Do not let your emotions run too fast and land you in deep waters. Find out more about Jamie, if he is not in a relationship, pray about your feelings but let me warn that you must be receptive enough to hear what God has to say and not what you WANT to hear. Because you are humble enough to ask Him, He’ll speak, make you hear and open your eyes to see a thousand and one ways to get through to Jamie (if he is your husband-to-be) or else, tell you in clear terms to steer c-l-e-a-r of him. I wish you a wonderful time of discovery. Any way if he is your man, God will show you to him.
Ivie and I have been very close friends but she said no to my proposal. I am presently engaged to a wonderful sister but I cannot get Ivie off my mind. I always make excuses to go towards her house and visit her. I know this not good but it is hard to let go.
Beloved, you must set your mind on focus and be sure what you really want. With Ivie, I must say, you had an ‘undefined relationship’ and so it became very hard to accept a “no” for an answer from her. What you did not know however was that Ivie, though close to you might have fallen in love with another because you did not define your relationship. She probably sees you more like a brother than future partner. It might even surprise you to know that she was taken aback by your proposal. I should think God has been kind to you to have compensated you so quickly and given you a wonderful sister to take the place of Ivie in your life for so you have testified that your fiancée is a wonderful sister.
Why not settle down, count your blessings and give your ultimate to this new relationship rather than trailing the paths of uncertainties. You know as much as I do, that Ivie might never accept your proposal even if you send it a thousand times and more. Consider that your merchandise is good, cherish God’s gift to you and make up your mind to be happy. This wonderful sister does need the very best of all you can offer and ought not be seen as a second fiddle.
I was involved in fornication with my fiancée and I have been very unhappy with myself. We have prayed for forgiveness and all but the guilt is still eating deep in my heart.
It saddens my heart to know that you fell victim to the lies of the devil that tells intending couples that they could eat their “cake” and still have it. Now, you sure know better that it pays to “keep off”. Well, the deed is done and now you are hurting badly but there is hope. You two must first agree to forgive yourselves. As for God, is an easy one. He forgives us so easily. It only hurts Him too much to see us wallowing in the sea of un-forgiveness of ourselves. Until you forgive yourselves, you cannot make much progress. Remember that the blood of the lamb still flows to do a thorough cleansing, so trust the cleansing power in the blood, put the past behind you and start a new life, rededicating your lives to Him. Take Paul’s advice as well as mine; forget those things, which are past, press forward…Rebuild each other’s trust and see a better future ahead. Cheer up!